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I hired a man-whore for my friend’s
daughter.

A friend of mine recently told me that his daughter had been dating a real loser. I just helped him out a little.

Why because I know a guy who was the loser and married the girl. Life didn’t turn out well for the poor girl. Trapped with some sad schlepp, she missed many opportunities.

But it did make me think. What would I do if my daughter came home with a loser?

Now, the
chances of my daughter having this problem is very slim. It was decided before
conception by my wife and I that we would raise our daughter to be tough,
independent and a real Bitch (good luck boys).

Regardless,
I did my research. Some of the advice was decent but much of it was just plain
disappointing. So here is my take on this matter.

Pre-emptive Strike

So many
clichés that I can think of. Ounce of prevention worth a pound of cure. The
best defense is a good offense. Here they are worth their weight in gold. There
is no better way to keep your beloved daughter out of the hands of some douche,
than to teach her how to spot the Douche in it’s natural habitat.

  • Demonstrate to your Daughter through action and word what a real man should act like. Do this by demonstrating the values and behavior of man in everyday life. By being a man to your wife and family, you will demonstrate what kind of behavior is acceptable. Strive to set the example. It is your place to act as the parent but also to show your daughter how a man worthy of her attention should behave.

  • Mercilessly attack any action or character of another man in real life or in the media that demonstrates the type of behavior or lack of morale fiber. Do you cheer on some sports figure that is known to beat women? Are you entertained by the movies of any actor that is known to have a drug problem? If so then you are part of the problem. You should ridicule them and their behavior in front of your children.

  • Develop the best possible relationship with your daughter that you can by taking her places and do things with her. Spend time with your Daughter and develop in her a sense of trust. Have long conversations with  your daughter so that she is open to the idea of speaking to you and you begin to understand her personality and points of view. Granted, you might not want to know everything but you definitely want to know if there are problems. You also want her to trust your counsel and by beginning to treat her as a fledgling adult (when it is age appropriate) you begin to allow her to develop the ability to think for herself.

Too late, she’s already dating Donny
Dirtbag

Actually meet him

I would say,
first actually meet the person that she is dating. You can’t really judge
someone based on looks alone. Kids are especially influenced to look a certain
way or dress a certain way based on the fads of the time. Think about it. Did
you wear ridiculous bell-bottoms or balloon pants? Did you have some wild
Mohawk cut as a teen or pre-teen? So meet them and talk to them and figure out
what they are about. He might just be some sweet kid that is heavily influenced
by the media.

Threats don’t work

You may be
tempted to threaten your child by withholding support, whether emotional or
financial. You may want to yell at your child and tell her how stupid she is.
Don’t, there is nothing that will drive her deeper into the arms of this guy
than teenage rebellion. The mere fact that you become upset will cause a
greater attraction to this person.

What is special?

Try to
figure out what it is that she is attracted to. We don’t have the time to be
with our children 24/7. They can become influenced by so many things that are
outside our sphere of parental influence. Children develop an identity that is
different than the parents. So talk to your child and find out what it is that
attracts them to this person. Is it just looks? Is it something that this
person does? What is the “Je ne sais quoi” that has made her enamored? Perhaps
this person thinks in a certain way that is attractive or does things that may
be interesting. Something that you don’t see.

Abuse ends immediately

Let’s say
that you that she has told you that it is an abusive relationship. Or that you
notice that this may be an abusive relationship, talk to her and get her to
acknowledge that this it is. She has to understand what it is.  Seek every bit of help that you can and
explain to your daughter that this is not love, at all. Call the Police. Let
her come home. Don’t blame her for anything. This isn’t really her fault.
Abusers are very good manipulators. Logical and normal scenarios can’t be used
to predict this kind of person’s behavior. So that in a moment an abuser will
be very sweet and loving and then in the next angry without any other emotional
transitions. In any case, it isn’t your daughter’s responsibility to stay. So
if she is young, break it for her. If she is older, give her a sanctuary and
all the support that you can. Get that restraining order. Set up cameras and
load the guns. Get her to have her friends or co-workers to stay on the look
out for this person. It seems drastic but the sad truth is that the majority of
women who are killed are killed by their former partners after a break up.

The Scorched Earth

Ok, so we
have tried to be understanding and decent human beings. We have given the
benefit of the doubt and Johnny is still found lacking. Let’s get real
Macchiavellian. Let’s burn the earth and salt the field so that nothing may
ever grow there again.

The dinner party

Invite your daughter and her boyfriend over for a family dinner. Tell them that you have some guests that will be joining you, some new friends or neighbors that you have met from your new found interest in martial arts. These “guests” will be people that you have hired.

Hire a very attractive woman who will dress provocatively and a man from the local Martial Arts Dojo who is extremely good. Lace your daughter’s boyfriends drink or food with a laxative. Have the woman talk to him, off to the side, away from your daughter.

Point out to her that he seems to be flirting with this woman. Have the martial arts guy “find” him talking to his “girlfriend” and create a scene. Calmly, “persuade” the actor that they can have a resolution and that you just happen to have some martial arts protective gear.

Not wanting to seem like a punk in front of your daughter and perhaps genuinely angry at this point he will be challenged to a fight outside wearing the gear.

Of course, hopefully, the man you have hired will beat the living dog shit out of your daughter’s boyfriend. Offer the man a bonus if he makes him cry like a bitch. Because there is nothing that makes a woman hornier than watching her love interest crying like a 12 year old girl.

 Console your daughter’s boyfriend by offering to clean his wounds. At this time your “guests” should leave while you have him away and performing first aid. This is to prevent any further scene but it shouldn’t happen if he has been beaten well enough, just precaution.

By this time, hopefully the laxative has begun to work. If your daughter is still living at home keep the boy there with you. If they are older apalogize and offer to pay for a date night for them sending them off to the movies.

At some point the boy will think he is making a sneaky fart and shit on his pants. Hopefully he is trapped somewhere close to your daughter.

Women love seeing the boy or man they are dating getting their asses whipped and then shitting on themselves. So at this point if all has worked according to plan, I can confidently say that your daughter will no longer be interested in this guy.

Or even if somehow she is, there is a good chance that the boy or man will find his way out of the relationship due to sheer embarrassment.

The hired gun

Let’s say
that for whatever reason the last plan didn’t work. Let’s say your daughter is
a older, perhaps away in college or something like that. Time to pull all the
stops. Enter the Gigolo.

Create some emergency at home or simply  invite her home without the guy. The boyfriend should somehow remain where he is.

At this point you’ve procured the services of some guy with the looks of Brad Pitt and the body of Terry Crews. The guy that is smuggling a big Churchkhela in his pants.  Note: Keep this dude away from your wife!! Explain that this guy is in town only briefly as he, for whatever reason, is moving to Saudi Arabia for work of some other such nonsense.

Excuse yourself for some emergency at work or some other kind of scenario and apologize but offer to pay for a night on the town.

By the time they return home your daughter should not even be close to thinking about her boyfriend anymore.

You don’t have to worry about this guy sticking around because that’s why your paying for it. You don’t pay for man whores to have sex, you pay them to leave afterwards.

Let’s say that even if your daughter decides to lie to her boyfriend and keep this night a diry little secret, you can still subtly sabotage. Invite your daughter and her boyfriend home again.

Make casual conversation but at some point bring up the fact that she went off with this guy. Show the boyfriend a picture and enjoy the fireworks.

I can neither
confirm nor deny that this is what happened with my friend. What I can tell you
is that it worked.

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